The First Week

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions. I am writing this on the Thursday of my first week and I am currently in a pretty good place. I came down the hill (literally) right after school was out, played some plants vs. zombies and made a really tasty dinner, I have good energy and feel like I am going to make it. It hasn't been like this for much of the week. When I was down (metaphorically) I didn't have the energy to write, but I dont want to let it go too far before getting my thoughts down to make this as realistic as possible a record of what it was like to be here and do this.

 I think most of my issue was uncertainty. I have taught at the same school for the last six years and I know what is going to happen at the pre school meeting, on the first day, after lunch, etc. Because I knew what was going to happen, it was very comfortable. I got used to comfortable to the point where I wanted to know everything that was going to happen before I did anything new. I recognized this in myself over the last three years or so. I didn't want to do something if I didn't know what was going to happen. I think this was a step in a dangerous direction, I could feel myself getting old and set in my ways. I didn't use to be like that and I didn't want to be like that. This is part of the rut I came here to get out of. Of course it was going to be hard, I just didn't think it through from this perpsective.

 As I have already written (see First day of School) on Sunday night I had my first day's lesson ready and I slept well. Monday was good. I got to meet the students and it turned out they were just teenagers, not unlike the ones I left in California. I finished preparing for Tuesday and I watched a movie. I also made banana bread, but I put too much salt in it and it made me feel sick, not to mention not tasting very good, so I threw it away. Baking was comforting, which I needed, but when it didn't come out I think it threw me off kilter a bit. I went to bed early an a bit out of sorts.

 Tuesday was rough. I always have a hard time with the second day of school. The adreniline of the first day wears off and the fact that it is work comes into view. Tuesday is also my longest day. I start at 8:15 and teach five periods ending at 3:15 and in there I have 'outdoor duty' where I walk around campus looking for smoking students (I didn't find any, but I did get hot and sweaty). Classes had gone ok, but I had focused on things that the other teachers didn't/won't cover and I was doubting myself and wondering if I was wasting the students time.

People are always asking how is it going?  I am sure they are just being courteous and they probably remember their first week here and so probably could empathize with what I am going through.  I can't seem to tell them, maybe it is my British stiff upper lip.  I do wonder if they can tell that I was not doing well.  I know that when I am stressed or just barely coping, I shut off all extraneous actions and words.  As if I am conserving resources to keep my core alive.  I dont hum, I dont meet peoples eyes, I dont make small talk, I dont engage.  I see this as a survival tactic, but I imagine it can be taken as rude and I am increasingly aware that I am probably pretty easy to read.   I came home and watched another movie and made genius cards rather than preparing for the rest of the week.

 Wednesday wasn't any better. I could feel myself speaking in stilted English and even at lunch I felt like I was just having the same conversation over and over again. I couldn't imagine why I wanted to teach abroad. The best I could come up with was that I wanted to be the sort of person who has taught abroad. (How is that for a sentance, huh? it is a far cry from "my name Heather" or 'Tarzan Turkish' as Marshall aptly calls it.) I shutter to think what would have happened if I actually got into the Peace Corps back in 2000. Could I have handled that? Really, this is a pretty cushy job. I have a nice and big-enough apartment on campus. There is a bus to take me up the hill to school. There is another bus to take me to the store or to down town and both of these busses stop at my apartment. The school campus is gorgeous, I have my cat and the students are great. If I can't handle this, how could I handle anything? Recognizing that I wasn't going to improve my mood by sequestering myself with my discontent, I invited myself over to Keeley's house after school for a chat and a couple of games of backgammon. He is a good listener and I left there feeling a little better. I worked on seating charts and watched another movie.

 This morning I had a later start, my first class was fourth period, at 10. I spent the morning getting ahead a little bit. Classes went well before lunch and I sat with two of the other new teachers in the cafeteria. Janelle said that she is very glad that she feels confident with her content since there are so many other things to adjust to, but she wonders how Lizzy is doing, this being her first year teaching. I completely agreed with Janelle about being glad that I didn't have to worry about what I was teaching, but I didn't think that Lizzy's experience would be all that more difficult than a first year of teaching is anywhere. Everything is new to her and this will set the standard for how things are done. Instead of trying to switch mindsets or adjust what she has done to fit what she needs to do, she is just starting out with this configuration. So she may have fewer issues to deal with than some of us with more experience who are set in our ways and I imagine that she has a lot more support here than she would at many schools in the US. Not that the first year of teaching is ever easy, I just think this isn't such a bad place to have your first year. Anyway, that was a good conversation and I went into the afternoon feeling pretty good. I was also still pondering something Ipek said to me in the copy room this morning. She said something like, the kids are going to like me because I exude smartness. I think I know what she meant, but I am still trying to wrap my head around this.

 My afternoon class was a double period of advanced. It has been in the 80s here during the day. It is very pleasant when you are doing anything, but walking from one building to the next, or standing in front of a class teaching is enough to make me sweat. None of the buildings are air conditioned (computer labs have individual air-conditioning units) and for rooms with afternoon sun, they can be quite toasty. The students are also hot and sweaty and there is always a negotiation for the fan. Yesterday this AC (advanced chemistry) was struggling with the fan, trying to get it to oscillate (unsuccessfully) when Çidem, the lab tech, came in with a second one, it was lovely to have two. I have been very honest with the students, especially the AC kids. They know what they learned in IC (introductory chemistry) but since I am teaching it for the first time while I am teaching AC, I don’t really know the details of the curriculum. So even though I am reviewing with them, I can only guess what they actually learned and they need to tell me if something I am saying is new to them. They have been very helpful with feedback and correcting my seating charts. (The alphabet is a real problem here.) Anyway, class went well and I was out of battery, so I couldn't do any more work at school, I had to come home.

 As I alluded to above, I played some video games before making dinner. I am a little worried about my video game habits. I can see that I spend too much time playing games, but I also know that I need to have some retreat from the world. I can play for 5-10 minutes and have the strength to reenter the world. I had thought I would go to the grocery store to buy things for dinner, but I had two eggplants. Last week some time I mentioned to Sandra that I would like to take Turkish cooking lessons and she sent me a link to a blog about cooking in Turkey.

http://seasonalcookinturkey.blogspot.com/2011/09/imam-bayldthe-imam-fainted-another.html

The day she sent it, the topic happened to be an eggplant recipe, so I thought I would try it. Quite coincidentally I had everything but the parsley. I made it and it was super tasty. I even used a dark green skinny pepper which gave it some serious kick.

It was even better with some cheese crumbled over the top.  Oh, and did you catch the name of this dish?  The Imam Fainted. 

Anyway, I am feeling pretty good tonight.  Still wishing I had off campus things to do, and people to see, but I am not even too worried about back to school Saturday (9am to 2pm!)

Today I am thankful for KFOG, which streams their broadcast, and with the time change, I get to hear the morning show in my evening and Ann, who has taken time from her crazy busy week to skype with me during my toughest times and to you, who read to the end of this rambling post that if I went back to read, I am sure I would realize that this last sentance is not the only run on sentence and that there probably isnt much cohearence to it, but plenty of spelling errors...